my husband treats me like i don't matter

Yeah, as someone who has been suspected of and suspected myself of being on the spectrum (I’m not getting tested because I’d rather not know for sure, and want to keep managing my life as it is) I can assure you David most likely knows exactly what’s going on and probably suspects his boss told HR. However, if you are comfortable raising the topic with a manager, remember that “ASD” is a medical diagnosis. I might try it next time with a tad less of the sea salt (1/2 tsp instead of 3/4) as I found it just a smidge too much salt for me using sea salt. Vindu Dara Singh, who will be entering the Bigg Boss 14 house as Rakhi Sawant’s connection, recently spoke to ETimes TV. Yeah, if Danielle is emotionally intelligent at all, she’ll realize LW is saving her from further embarrassment, not creating embarrassment. He wasn’t bringing concerns about discrimination to OP. Nowadays I’m more scared of a current staff member complaining to the firm that they feel ‘unsafe’ working with a (very well medicated) schizophrenic. In one direction, that means people who can’t speak don’t even get the option to try other communication methods to show whether or not they can learn (life skills or academics). I am concerned my husband will outlive me, and while I have no problem with my husband receiving the house if I die first, I am adamantly opposed to my stepson ultimately inheriting my home under any circumstances. Whether it’s malicious or not, it’s wrong. It’s always reasonable to assume anything you say to your manager will not be kept 100% confidential- they might feel out of their depth and ask their manager or HR for help (which in a well-functioning company is a good thing!). This needs to be addressed ASAP–it’s going to discourage people from disclosing when it can make everything so much smoother. Based on discussions with my sister (who is autistic, has a degree in communications, and works as a care provider for developmentally disabled adults): What you’re describing, person-first language, is ideal for separating the condition/attribute from the identity of the person. Just because you can disclose an employee’s disability to HR doesn’t mean you have to keep it confidential from the employee that you’re going to do this. I think some people equate autism or learning disabilities with intellectual disabilities like Down syndrome, and they are not at all the same thing. Maybe OP did warn him, but if they didn’t, the first person to drop the ball on accommodating him was the OP. ASK US! Because situations like this one arise. This is not required under the law. I’m aware that in the medical/carer field people are encouraged to use that “person first”. Also, Danielle is positively horrible. This is just so ridiculously… ridiculous. (If she gave reasonable advice to OP, it’s less likely she’s just ignorant.) I also like being submissive to my husband in the bedroom. Even if I need help or accommodation on some tasks, that does not mean I’m incompetent or a child. Neurodivergent people might not always pick up on sarcasm or tone, but most nerodivergent folks I know are well aware of when they’re being discriminated against or treated differently because of the way their brain works. Pandora’s box is open and Danielle isn’t Pandora. More people know that I’m bisexual than know I’m autistic (also live in a semi-conservative area.). Danielle is just REALLY overstepping her boundaries here to say the least. Seriously, I thought the idea that someone would actually behave this way to another employee was a joke. I don’t know what talking to Danielle will accomplish at this point. I live in a conservative state and have disclosed my bisexuality before I would disclose that I was diagnosed with Aspergers. I wonder about that. Lastly don’t trust Danielle in the future, and if you can report her to someone you should. I was born this way. Sure, sibling commenters, she was taught to behave that way. The conversation would be very similar to what Alison outlined for the initial conversation with Danielle, but you would add in that you discussed your concern with Danielle directly and what the outcome was. Because HR and the company are required to provide reasonable workplace accomodations for David. Every nurse and orderly at Kaiser, server at the Sizzler and person working at stores treated my 79 year old mother like a child, talking to her in a high-pitched, honeyed voice like you talk to a toddler – btw, I don’t talk to toddlers, babies or pets that way, so I found it especially awful and completely demeaning. We both have chronic health conditions, though I've had more serious hospitalizations, including a pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, cerebral spinal fluid leak, etc. I’m wondering whether the manager asked David about his communication preferences. But the employee is the one who gets to decide if needs accommodations or prefers a certain communication style or whatever. That could have been the angle (and could be for the future if another episode regarding medical privacy and/or accommodations rears it’s head). I’m physically disabled. (I didn’t tell my supervisor until we’d worked together for years. Job Accommodation Network has good information on Autism and anxiety, which tends to also be an issue. It doesn’t just matter what you say but how you say it. I like to compare it so saying saying “a person with tallness” where its just like… why are you trying to dance around the idea of someone being tall like that? I’ve been in similar circumstances to David (although I am female). What sort of changes should be made to how I manage a person who has declared a disability but not asked for accommodations? It’s a spectrum and there’s a wide range of self-awareness, even while maintaining the ability to work a fulfilling job. The child voices? Why on earth are you saying that?” I negotiated and got more money — why do I feel so weird? Within a company, there are facts that may need to be disclosed between a manager and other departments, that is not voluntary. There’s a problem with a lot of neurodivergence “support” that the focus ends up being on getting neurodivergent individuals to act in ways that make allistic people more comfortable, without really considering the needs and desires of the people affected. In a case like this, HR would have the knowledge and resources to guide OP on how to provide what David needs without opening the company up to legal issues. If someone is working at a job they got through a regular hiring process I would assume they are the first person to talk to about what they need in the workplace. I’ve seen too many people who should have known better lose any shred of tact or social judgement upon the disclosure of a disability to assume that any random HR rep would handle it appropriately. (Example: When your schedule is the same every week and you have no control over it, of course it’s a huge problem when the schedule suddenly changes. In theory that should be the last thing HR wants, but in some instances, like this one, HR is unable or unwilling to avoid creating terrible issues with their own behavior. She’s upsetting everyone else. Why? The LW doesn’t say that David had her permission to share this information, and if she didn’t, then her judgment on what constitutes good information can be called into question. A low functioning person would be rather limited, possibly even nonverbal, and would have to live with family or in a group home. By phrasing it in a way that separates it from the person, you can make people feel like you’re disregarding an important part of their identity or even that it’s something that ought to be “fixed.” For example, saying “people with blackness” or “people with deafness” would not go over well because many/most people with those characteristics view them as part of an identity. Autism didn’t happen to me, I didn’t get autism the way someone gets cancer. Plus concerns from a legal perspective, especially since it sounds like this has been going on awhile…so long that other employees are picking up on it and are mocking Danielle. If she’s not and chooses to double down instead, the battle will happen anyway, but there’ll be the sense that at least LW tried (and isn’t responsible for it all going belly-up). I only ask because I and a number of other commenters here are and you really truly if you have a question about what works and doesn’t work for the autistic employee in general, just ask the employee. You had no right to decide this on behalf of your employee. Under UK laws, I think, they’d choke on their coffee. I guess she had some visual hallucinations near the end and I hated that she had to go through that because she was such a gentle person with a kooky sense of humor that I enjoyed. It’s called the Autism Spectrum for a reason – what works for one Autistic person won’t necessarily work for another. Privacy Policy and Is there actual confirmation of this from him? Does Danielle know she’s nuking her reputation in front of LW and David’s coworkers? Danielle should be fired. Do you see that the whole narrative of “I went to someone to see how I could help my employee” is, in itself, ableist? I also dislike the Sheldon Cooper trope. David is definitely going to bounce as soon as he can. Danielle should be ashamed. the whole point is that the op shouldn’t have assumed that David would just automatically get the implication that hr would need to be involved or disclosed to – as an autistic person, I would never have made that leap from telling my manager a fact about myself to hr getting roped in, and it’s not unlikely that David didn’t expect it, either. Because my stepson has mental-health issues, my husband thinks we … It was a guy I had dated for a couple of years in HS; first love, first boyfriend, first kiss, etc. Neurodivergence can come in many forms and to many different degrees, and whether it is considered a disability primarily depends on how the person feels about it. Spectrum or not, not everyone self-analyses effectively unless forced to do so (and sometimes, not even then). Yes, and I would advise OP not to let this drag on much longer before talking with Danielle. It’s quite likely I have ADHD (never diagnosed, probably doesn’t affect my life to the extent that a diagnosis would be worth the effort of persuing) but (despite being analytically minded and having an engineer* for a father) I’m pretty sure I’m not autistic. A lightbulb moment for me was realizing that it’s possible to have the, “I respond effectively to X, less so, to Y” discussion even without a formal diagnosis. My husband even gives him a pipe on which to gnaw. That is differential treatment. My manager also told HR, but my HR person responded by asking me what accommodations they could make, and then asking for a meeting to pick my brains about inconsistencies in the i boarding process, because she’d noticed that I’d noticed a lot of them. In addition to the information people have already given here, Autism Speaks also regularly tells parents they need to take time to grieve over having an autistic child. I think Alison brought up the concern about Danielle’s embarrassment as a way of acknowledging to the LW that the conversation could be an awkward one. please do not ever say “differently abled” ever again unless you are saying about one specific person who has told you explicitly that they prefer it. It is definitely OP’s responsibility to call Danielle out on this harassment of OP’s direct report David. Cannot speak for other fields as I have no experience with those. I would say “Go with what feels honest for yourself, and be open to being corrected by an individual just as you would about gender pronouns, race or any other ‘labels’ that are tossed on people for various reasons” and I’d add… this label (which ever you choose) should be used sparingly, and only when it’s actually needed. Seconding this so much. I could only see that being appropriate unless you were in some setting where you were teaching life skills to the person, which is not a traditional work setting. I wish I’d had someone to tell me to keep it quiet when I entered adulthood. I don’t think that was necessary for you to share unless he was requesting an accommodation under the ADAAA and needed support through that process. My autism ain’t the problem here. Personally, as someone with a visual impairment, I much prefer person-first language. Yes, David apparently qualified for his job through a standard interview process, not a “disability hiring program” so there is no reason to presume less of him unless he brings up a problem or it’s showing up in his performance. I also have 3 kids from a previous marriage. Maybe David won’t be the one to file it, but somebody will be if this keeps up. None of my family or friends or partners know or have ever known, and ideally none ever will. while HR would force them on unpaid leave or a Grandboss would insist they be fired. That podcast is incredible and I very much enjoyed that episode. What are his executive function strengths and weaknesses? This is interesting! Well said – in reality most people are like that! This is why I love Alison’s scripts in general because they “play nice” but also clearly describe why the other person should be embarrassed and correct their behavior. But it might still be very obvious who the LW was talking about. There’s also an issue in finding hay, lugging in the hay, wasted hay, and *oh so special* removal of soiled bedding and manure from the suburban lot. I hope she is indeed embarrassed once you tell her. Romance 11/21/16: BBW Maria (4.53) She was the goddess of whom he dreamed. The faces through the glass? I remember years ago my psychiatrist advised me to lie when I applied for my medical license, because they asked about mental illness and schizophrenic people weren’t (and aren’t) allowed to practice medicine. Thank you so much for sharing this delicious recipe. Detective Amy Santiago, you might be surprised. the rest of the world to acknowledge and accept the divergent thinking of ASD, the reality is that ASD is a 1% minority thing and we ASDers need to learn to talk this foreign other language that the ‘normals’ speak. Erotic Couplings 02/27/12: Behind the Pink Door (4.59) It was my mind. Once I as a manager know of something that falls under a disability or discrimination umbrella I loop HR in so they can help ensure we are following applicable laws and our company’s own policy on handling anything that falls under this. I think she should immediately escalate, with a tone of “this is totally gross and also places us over a legal trapdoor yikes yikes yikes”. This is good. There are a lot of minor adjustments that Autistic employees may need that fall into “universal design” that help other people too. So besides all the other arguments above, it doesn’t even necessarily reflect how well an autistic person can mask! A manager should never reach out to HR for accommodations. Somebody needs to pull Danielle up short, and probably send her to some classes or something, because she is dragging the company straight toward a giant lawsuit if she doesn’t get a clue. Sorry, but that is the truth of the matter. How much does he mask, and how does he feel about that? This is awful. If this was passed on without giving him explicit warning in advance, that was *in and of itself a bad accommodation of his disability.*. A neurotypical person might assume that telling their manager carried with it the implicit consent to tell HR, but David may have assumed no such thing. I think it’s questionable that the LW shared the employee’s identity. I wouldn’t go to HR first — they’re not doctors, they don’t know what kinds of accommodations people need. I blame other “acceptable” conditions if I need accommodations for anything. Special needs is actually considered pretty offensive in the disabled community these days! Let me be clear, the broad impulse to consult HR on accommodating employees with differing needs was not a bad thing, but accommodations are one area where being proactive is so much more likely to backfire that you really should have waited for David to request a specific accommodation before looping in HR. I don’t disagree with you about the extreme male brain theory – I’ve been harmed by it as a late-in-life diagnosed woman. The diagnostic model of Autism is built around the bad stuff, whether someone was assessed as a child or has come to self-identity as an adult. When autistic lead associations do surveys for autistic people, over 90% of the people want “autistic person”, this is what the vast majority of us want to be referred as. That’s an act of erasure. David is an adult and I’m sure he has a lot of traits that make him extremely qualified for the job he’s in. Agreed! You could say it this way: “You were really helpful with advice about how to work most effectively with David. I want to also make the following point: ASD has wonderful traits as well that are rarely talked about – extreme loyalty, high levels of stick it ness, an ability to get to the nut of the problem efficiently, high logical processing skills often, all traits suited to all sorts of jobs. ... emotions have no place in a work environment, especially in healthcare. Not only is it an inaccurate and demeaning way to refer to people whose neurodivergence does interfere with their daily lives, but it creates horrible misconceptions that lead to, well, this. Depending on the size of the team and company, this may be impossible. Well, Danielle certainly *should* feel embarrassed, and maybe even ashamed, but OP’s goal shouldn’t be to *make* her feel that way. I totally understand this. I don’t understand your second paragraph. Would she maybe like to try this on Bill Gates too, since he’s on the spectrum too? Why is ABA considered the “gold standard of autism treatment” to quote my medical group when conversion therapy is banned in my state? Frankly… .I’m not liking her much right now :P. She’s already sabotaging her own authority with her behavior. It isn’t like she turned David down for a promotion to “Teapot Painter” from “Teapot Painter Trainee” when his painting skills and rate are about as good as the trainees who got promoted and he suspects it’s because he’s Autistic. This is crushing to me and the reason I rarely out myself in places like this (and often actively avoid doing so), because I get shouted down, treated as less than, and then where do I fit? The harm of bigotry needs to be treated this way as well. But yeah, schizophrenia is really something that can never, ever be mentioned without it completely stigmatising you forever. But I want you to feel that you can bring the topic up with me, if you think it provides useful context, or gives you insight if there’s some point where we’re communicating at cross purposes.”. They told their supervisor, the LW. You don’t talk about his work product at all. It’s like using clear tubs for organizing. When you put it like that it is pretty obvious that the “people first” approach isn’t exactly going to achieve its aim..! You can’t and shouldn’t assume confidentiality between the manager and the company’s *own HR or legal department*. It may be disingenuous but I’ve found I’m listened to more consistently and not infantalized in the work place. But Danielle clearly regards David as a person with a condition affecting tasks of daily living. This is what I have done with pregnant employees in the past — ask what types of accommodations they need, then support them as they work with HR. Autism isn’t a trope for the “An Autistic, a Priest and a Builder walked into a bar…” jokes. The one thing I would add is that her behaviour, besides being ableist and patronizing and making her look bad, essentially risks disclosing David’s private health information, which is also not okay. But as this post illustrates, plenty of people on the spectrum have strong cognitive abilities, a sense of operating in a shared society, self-determination, and the ability to coordinate their own accommodations–if any are even needed.). I agree that you should do everything in your power to make that happen, but you could have another 10 or 20 or more years left, so why suffer because your husband is unable or unwilling to kick him out? To be clear, from the details the LW provided I don’t know whether or not it made sense to alert HR. I understand the LW might be worried about confronting someone in a position of power, but she shouldn’t worry about preserving Danielle’s ego (Danielle’s dignity is long gone.) Bingo. Was he a radiologist or some other specialty that communicates with patients almost entirely through writing, or did he use sign language, or did he have another workaround I didn’t think of? As opposed to asking the employee himself how they could help make him more comfortable? Also, and this is just my autistic opinion, but if people need to call me a person with autism to remind themselves that I’m a person..? It’s a matter of preference but that’s what works for me. Hi, I’m sure you mean well, but please do not use “differently abled”. However, on the level of mutual interpersonal understanding, I’m letting you know that I know and acknowledge that there’s something spectrum-y about how I operate. (“Oooh! Obviously if David is in a job which requires extensive education and qualifications, Danielle is just being an idiot. OP is a new manager who went to HR looking for advice. also, as an oncologist I have to point out that most folks will say “person with cancer” or “so and so has cancer” not that they are “a cancer person”, but “a cancer patient” might apply. I suppose the thing is that you’re not disclosing to an individual as a person, you’re disclosing to the staff member as a representative of the organisation. Yeah, it varies based on our experiences and personalities. sure does! Of course it does need to be addressed, even if he’s hesitant to do it himself. My husband is strangely excited for Halloween. I’m autos and I only disclose it in a need to know basis and it isn’t meant to be shared because people automatically assume you aren’t a competent and fully capable adult. All that this will have accomplished is that David’s going to be less likely to disclose his ASD to any future managers. and the other party has proven she has poor judgement and no respect for boundaries. I get that OP was nervous about managing effectively, but HR wouldn’t be the place I would go for this information, specifically because I don’t believe that HR would have this kind of training. :). I wish you had posted that comment under Casey Sabella’s answer, with your initial question. ), Yes, they actually told her that Kevin was cognitively impaired. I wonder if this is her way of signaling to other coworkers that he’s autistic. My parents don't like us dating because I am only twelve and he is thirteen, but I can't help it I am in love with him and he is in love with me you can't break apart true love. To find one?). I subsequently took a loan out of my retirement fund to pay for the repairs. Basically, if OP doesn’t put a stop to Danielle’s behaviour, there’s a good chance David will, and he will be a lot less gentle about it. Hmm, you’re right. The inflexible thinking is here in abundance today…. … because Three Wolf Moon has social implications that you don’t actually enjoy, tiny Anax, as do clothes with holes in them. (I say this as a person with an ADA-protected invisible disability that I have not disclosed in my current workplace .). Maybe accomodations wasn’t the correct term to use. I am a person who stands in the middle, uneasy, disconnected, doing my best. Same in the workplace. This not even getting into the funny faces… she’s flat-out treating him like a child. Some of their methods are considered at best neglectful to darn near abusive. Just in case people don’t know (not necessarily for you) — ADHD has a lot of traits similar to autism. I put this in my comment but if LW absolutely had to tell HR, she should have at least informed David of that during their conversation. Even with adults with cognitive impairments, there is a difference between speaking to them on a level they can understand/are operating at, and treating them condescendingly as if they are children. A lot of people don’t feel bound by their wheelchair, they find that it affords them a level of freedom greater than they had before getting the wheelchair. about the fact that there’s a range of reactions to people’s own lived experience of ASD, and this post is probably amazingly interesting reading to non-ASD people as they see us ignore, bluntly tell off and blatantly demand things without seeing the nuances and the social norms. And usually we say so and so has sickle cell anemia, but if we reeeeally start seeing a lot and are getting super crunched for time then it might become “sicklers” but that’d be pretty informal jargen there. And it runs the risk that she won’t get the message. If it does — good. “Do you need help with the microwave?” Nope! Carol’s point is a good one, but may I gently suggest that as a manager, your ‘best’ resource here is the comments of autistic posters, at least when it comes to autism. Subscribe to all comments on this post by RSS, Email (Optional – will display your Gravatar). It isn’t even appropriate if he has a learning/intellectual disability. Lots of illegal stuff happens because people don’t have the time, money, or spoons to fight it. Neurodivergence is a very wide spectrum, including mental illness and learning/mental disabilities. Did you also give pointers to your coworkers about what kind of projects they could give him? If you had a person with a very strong ‘other’ culture might you reach out for guidance? I am neurodivergent. (And yes, asking for help from an appropriate Autism Advocacy service would be better, but isn’t that HR’s role? If he can and if it fits with his interests, I would suggest choosing a career path with a lot of neurodivergent people. The stuff I’d expect HR to focus on would be along the lines of, “Don’t assume what sort of work assignments the person wants or does not want as a result of their condition, you need to explicitly ask” and guidance around whether/how to ask if David wants any formal accommodations. Communication is a two way street and if the default position by a neurotypical manager is that an autistic employee can’t communicate or explain their own experiences, that’s a communication issue that is squarely the fault of the neurotypical. If he is planning to go on vacation, he makes the plans with you. I think that the OP should just start making faces back at Danielle. Or maybe even guidance around how to RECOGNIZE if an employee is requesting accommodations, for example what if they ask for something but don’t use the word “accommodation” – is that still legally considered an accommodations request, and what does the manager need to do to document it if they decline?

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